before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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