Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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