my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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