He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
