I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
