I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
