I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
