i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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