Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
