Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
