On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
