I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
