So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
