there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
