I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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