when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
