life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
