I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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