I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
