I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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