she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
