living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
