we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
