you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
