i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
