using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
