she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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