I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
