there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
