Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
