just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
is it fun? or sober?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
