Just fell off a train. Bad.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
