please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
