Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
