You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
