So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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