remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
