So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
