Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
