I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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