She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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