god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
