Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
