she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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