my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
