I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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