A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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