remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
