life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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