I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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