Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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