How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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