Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
