i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Hippo gnu deer
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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