You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
